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WEEK 1
DISCOVERING MINDFUL SELF-COMPASSION
GRATITUDE & ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
The Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) curriculum was developed by Dr. Chris Germer and Dr. Kristin Neff in 2010. They are also co-founders of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion (CMSC). The center's mission is to "alleviate human suffering and improve the collective well-being of the planet through the practice of self-compassion." I offer deep gratitude to Dr. Germer and Dr. Neff's contributions. Their work has transformed the lives of so many people around the world. Please click here to be redirected to the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion and explore the many offerings they have.
References
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Neff, K. & Germer, C. (2018) The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. New York: Guilford Press.
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Germer, C. & Neff, K. (2019). Teaching the Mindful Self-Compassion Program: A Guide for Professionals. New York: Guilford Press.
MSC™ is a registered trademark in many parts of the world. CMSC owns the MSC™ trademark. The materials in this course are copyrighted by Guilford Press and are presented here only for educational purposes. Please do not reprint.
HOW TO APPROACH MSC
MSC is an adventure
More than a journey—MSC is an adventure. What is the difference between a journey and an adventure? An adventure takes us into uncharted territory where we are likely to encounter unexpected obstacles. Obstacles during MSC often include hidden memories and strong emotions. Discovering and overcoming those obstacles makes MSC more like an adventure than a journey—an inner adventure.
MSC is an experiment
MSC is also an experiment—an experiment in self-discovery and self-transformation. We will be working in the laboratory of our own experience, and see what happens. Participants are invited to be researchers of their own experience.
What are the qualities of a good scientist? (open-minded, curious, honest and flexible—willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads without too many preconceptions about what should happen or what it means.)
Becoming one's own teacher
Also, while you will be learning numerous techniques and principles of mindfulness and self-compassion, you should be experimental in how to tailor and adapt them to your own life. The goal is for everyone to become their own best teacher.
Difficult emotions
Compassion is a positive emotion associated with happiness and wellbeing. However, there is an expression, "Love reveals anything unlike itself." That means that difficult emotions will show up for almost everyone who participates in MSC.
What kinds of difficult emotions do you think could arise in the class? Often grief, loneliness, longing, anger, fear, and a self-doubt. These difficult emotions are often linked to how we have been treated in the past, personally, or culturally.
Self-compassion allows us to meet old wounds in a new way and transform them for the better. MSC is a resource-building program; it is designed to build the emotional skill and capacity to meet challenges from a position of strength.
If it’s a struggle, it’s not self-compassion!
While self-compassion work can be challenging, the goal is to find a way to practice that’s pleasant and easy. Ideally, every moment of self-compassion involves less stress, striving, and work, not more.
A moment of mindfulness has the sound of a delicious exhale - "ahhh." A moment of compassion has the tender sound, for example, "awww." In contrast, the sounds of struggle are more like "grrrr" and "aargh."
It is good to be a “slow learner.” Some people defeat the purpose of self-compassion training by straining to become self-compassionate. It is better to work hard at struggling less.
GENERAL GUIDING PRINCIPLES
Below are some general principles that we invite you to consider when participating in this class. If you have any questions or concerns, please let your instructor know. This is a LIVE document that we will change to reflect the wishes and intentions of the class participants.
Protecting Confidentiality. Don't discuss outside the group what individuals share in session or in our online discussions.
Letting go of fixing. Imagine that nobody in the room needs fixing, including oneself.
Not needing to save others. Assume that everyone has the resources to save themselves.
Avoiding advice-giving. Advice is usually experienced as interference.
Practicing non-judgment. We are all doing the best we can.
Respecting differences. Allow others to think, feel and be different than you.
Honoring diversity. Be open to what you do not know about a person, especially the impact of the dominant culture on their life. See Agreements for Multicultural Interactions below.
Supporting inclusion. Remember we all wish to belong.
Giving space. Some people need more privacy than others.
Protecting your own safety and comfort. Nobody knows you, or can protect you, better than you can protect yourself.
AGREEMENTS FOR MULTICULTURAL INTERACTIONS
(Adapted from East Bay Meditation Center and Visions Inc.)
TRY IT ON: Be willing to “try on” new ideas, or ways of doing things that might not be what you prefer or are familiar with.
PRACTICE SELF FOCUS: Attend to and speak about your own experiences and responses. Do not speak for a whole group or express assumptions about the experience of others.
UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INTENT AND IMPACT:
Try to understand and acknowledge impact. Denying the impact of something said by focusing on intent is often more destructive than the initial interaction.
PRACTICE “BOTH / AND”: When speaking, substitute “and” for “but.” This practice acknowledges and honors multiple realities.
REFRAIN FROM BLAMING OR SHAMING SELF & OTHERS: Practice deep listening rather than focusing on giving feedback.
MOVE UP / MOVE BACK: Encourage full participation by all present. Take note of who is speaking and who is not. If you tend to speak often, consider “moving back” and vice versa.
PRACTICE MINDFUL LISTENING: Try to avoid planning what you’ll say as you listen to others. Be willing to be surprised, to learn something new. Listen with your whole self.
CONFIDENTIALITY: Take home learnings but don’t identify anyone other than yourself, now or later. If you want to follow up with anyone regarding something they said in this session, ask first and respect their wishes.
RIGHT TO PASS: You can say “I pass” if you don’t wish to speak.
MONITORING SAFETY
The program itself is our training ground for self-compassion. The way your approach to this program should be self-compassionate. If you find yourself struggling during the course, ask yourself, “Is there any unnecessary effort that I can let go off?” Attend to your own comfort and well-being.
Please take responsibility for your own emotional safety.
We like to conceptualize how we take care of ourselves using a framework of zones of tolerance. (Safety, growth, Overwhelm). Optimal learning occurs when we are in the growth zone. However, we can’t learn if we are overwhelmed. If we find ourselves in overwhelm, we back off and close, go back to safety. Throughout this program, you will receive reminders to consciously close when feeling overwhelmed.
MISGIVINGS ABOUT SELF-COMPASSION
It's important to talk about misgivings. The research on self-compassion is robust in terms of the positive impact it has in overall wellbeing. So why is it so hard? What gets in the way? Below are some of the main concerns people report.
SELF-COMPASSION WILL UNDERMINE MOTIVATION:
The number one concern about self-compassion for people is that it will take away their edge or motivation. Self-compassion decreases fear of failure and increases personal responsibility and motivation to repair mistakes.
Most people believe self-criticism is an effective motivator, but it actually undermines self-confidence and leads to fears of failure. Think of a harshly critical teacher or coach you have had versus a supportive one.
Criticism may work well in the short run but eventually it burns us out.
Research shows that self-compassionate people are no less likely to have high personal standards; they just don’t beat themselves up when they fail—they are less afraid of failure and are more likely to try again and persist in their efforts.
SELF-COMPASSION IS WEAK:
Self-Compassion is linked to coping and resiliency. The most important aspect of self-compassion is that it helps us learn how to relate to ourselves when things get difficult.
Are you an inner enemy or an inner ally?
The goal of self-compassion is to learn how to be on our own side.
Self-compassion is a strength that offers resiliency when faced with difficulty. Research shows that self-compassionate people are better able to cope with tough situations like divorce, trauma, or chronic pain.
Self-compassion is powerfully linked to wellbeing. It is strongly associated with fewer negative states like depression, anxiety, stress, shame, and negative body image. It is also linked to more positive states like happiness, life satisfaction, and optimism.
SELF-COMPASSION IS A FORM OF SELF-PITY:
Self-Compassion remembers that everyone suffers (common humanity) and does not exaggerate the extent of suffering (mindfulness), so it is not a “poor me” attitude.
Research shows that self-compassionate people are more likely to engage in widening their perspective rather than focusing on their own distress. They are also less likely to ruminate on how bad things are.
SELF-COMPASSION IS SELFISH:
By including oneself in the circle of compassion (a humble agenda!), our sense of separation from others is lessened. It supports connection rather than separation.
Research shows that self-compassionate people tend to be more caring and supportive in romantic relationships, are more likely to compromise in relationship conflicts, and are more compassionate toward others.
SELF-COMPASSION IS SELF-INDULGENT:
Compassion wants long-term health not short-term pleasure. Much like a parent might limit phone time before a child completes their chores and homework.
Research shows that self-compassionate people engage in healthier behaviors like exercise, eating well, drinking less, and going to the doctor more regularly.
SELF-COMPASSION IS A FORM OF MAKING EXCUSES:
Self-compassion provides the safety needed to admit mistakes, rather than needing to blame someone else for them.
Research shows that self-compassionate people take greater personal responsibility for their actions and are more likely to apologize if they have offended anyone.
SUMMARY:
There are over 1500 research articles on Self-Compassion. More and more evidence indicates that MSC increases self-compassion, mindfulness, social connectedness, life satisfaction. MSC also decreases depression, anxiety and isolation. These benefits were associated with how much self-compassion practice participants did. You can click here to visit Dr. Kristin Neff’s site where she has generously compiled an extensive annotated bibliography on self-compassion.
SELF-COMPASSION & SELF-ESTEEM
Self-esteem can be defined as a global evaluation of self-worth. Judging oneself as bad or good based on comparisons, tends to be contingent on success.
Self-compassion doesn’t entail evaluations. It simply entails relating to ourselves kindly, especially when we fail or notice a shortcoming.
Self-compassion is always available to us. It does not desert us when we fail. Self-compassion fosters social connectedness versus comparisons. In self-compassion, we see our suffering as part of the human experience.
Research indicates that when compared with self-esteem, self-compassion is less contingent on things like physical attractiveness or successful performances. Self-compassion provides a more stable sense of self-worth over time.
Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion makes us less likely to engage in social comparisons and experience an inflated sense of self.
PHYSIOLOGY OF SELF-COMPASSION & SELF-CRITICISM
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According to Paul Gilbert, when we criticize ourselves we activate the body’s threat-defense system (our reptilian or most primitive brain). This system evolved so that when we perceive a threat our amygdala gets triggered, we release cortisol and adrenaline, and get ready for FIGHT, FLIGHT, or FREEZE.
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This system works great for protecting against threats to our bodily selves (think saber tooth tiger in the savannah), but nowadays most threats are to our self-concept. When we feel inadequate our self- concept is threatened so we attack the problem—we attack ourselves.
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The threat response causes stress and is related to conditions such as anxiety and depression. We know that about 80 percent of PCP visits are related to stress.
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Luckily, we’re more evolved than reptiles. As mammals we are born very immature and have a long developmental period to adapt to our environment.
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To facilitate this, the mammalian caregiving system evolved so that an infant would keep safe by staying close to their care provider. This system is triggered by three main factors, WARMTH, SOOTHING TOUCH, and GENTLE VOCALIZATIONS. These factors help release oxytocin and opiates in both the providers and children, helping the infant feel safe and secure.
HOME PRACTICE
The practices from this session are:
Soothing & Supportive Touch
Self-Compassion Break
(Optional) Workbook: Chapters 1 - 5
The goal is to practice SC and mindfulness for at least 30 minutes each
day. However, the exercises taught in this session are all short. You do not
need to practice so long, and you are only encouraged to practice during
your daily life. We encourage you to notice when you are under stress and
to explore whether Soothing Touch or the Self-Compassion Break brings
genuine relief, keeping in mind that the best way to practice is by making
it enjoyable and self-reinforcing.
Practice Tips:
-Make it Pleasant
-Make it Easy
-Start Small - 3-Minute Rule
-If you have an established practice, see if you can add a touch of kindness or self-compassion to what you are already doing.
-Use downloadable meditations and practices offered in this course
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
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